Things that Don't Make Sense

There are a lot of things that don't make sense that have come to my attention the last couple of days. Studying for law school gives my mind some sort of cry for help, and instead of analyzing cases and law, I do and notice things that do not make sense. For one, why is there a cotton ball in over the counter drugs? I don't know if it is meant to make it appear that there are more pills in the bottle, or if it is just to give the user cotton mouth so they drink water with the pill. Either way-It's stupid. Also, when I turn the TV on and start watching something that im disgusted by, bored by, or find morally defunct, I CONTINUE to watch it. Why? For example, yesterday evening I turned on the 3rd twilight movie. It was stupid. Vampires are stupid. I continued to watch while all of these thoughts meandered through my head. Its like I want to watch something so mindless that I don't even care if it rots my brain. Another thing- they warned us to save more money for finals time in law school because you will be eating out all of the time. I have found that I have cooked more meals during this period in order to avoid studying. I also sat in my car for a solid 20 minutes collecting trash today- of all time to be doing this. Really? Additionally- why do people check themselves out while they do cardio at the gym? Slash why do they have mirrors by the cardio equipment? To remind you how fat you are. No thanks, I think I'll save myself from realizing how stupid I look and watch TV instead

November First

It is a very pathetic day when your mother's birthday is more exciting than your birthday. This year, for Kathy's birthday we went to Elway's steakhouse for dinner with some of her friends. This place is like discovery zone for cougars and retired persons. Everyone in there is living off of their alimony, their retirement check, or the money they get paid to do absolutely nothing all day; therefore they can buy a nice ribeye and copious amounts of alcohol. People in this category can get bombed on a Tuesday evening, and do nothing productive the next day and no one will notice or care. Getting drunk with 50 somethings with martinis and wine makes me want to be professionally retired.

The best thing that happened is when my father proceeded to tell me his predicament in purchasing Kathy's birthday present over dinner(and a couple of dry martinis). He told me that for her birthday, Kathy wanted a gift certificate for botox. Monte was debating about getting the botox, because Kathy wanted it. He then supposed that perhaps this was a trick and Kathy just wanted to be reassured that she didn't look old. Purchasing botox as a gift is hardly gracious, but rather insulting (especially for a 50 something woman). Monte got the Nordstrom giftcard, which is always a safe bet. On the way home, Kathy(after about a bottle of wine) inquired as to the reason she did not receive the botox coupons. So, the whole analysis we discussed over dinner was useless.

Moral of the story: botox is now a socially acceptable gift

The End of the World

In my absence from the snowy season in Denver the past four years, I have forgotten how people react when a snowstorm is forecasted. The news stations feel the need to flash up to date information on the bottom of the screen for hours upon hours before the snow even starts falling. Then the weather people act like their job is the most important job in the entire world because THEY are alerting everyone its going to snow. People discuss the imminent threat of snow in Denver as though it is the apocalypse. Let me be the first prophet to say.....ITS JUST A SNOWSTORM PEOPLE. People wonder how they will get to work. Well, I would say you should get to work the same way you get to work every other day of the year. Also, people think that if there is snow on the ground, that makes it appropriate to drive 30 miles under the speed limit as though the snow is going to somehow magically propel their ass to work. If that worked, I wouldn't be spending 60 bucks on a tank of gas.

And after all of this....it will probably snow a total of two inches, but everyone will still arrive to wherever they are supposed to be on edge and grouchy, like they were somehow targeted by mother nature. All everyone will talk about all day is how long it will take them to get home. No one cares, leave early. BUT if the ski resorts don't get any snow, there is more whining and complaining. Can't have your cake and eat it too.

Colorado Proud

De Evolution

ttp://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2P9Cch/img2.moonbuggy.org/imgstore/sorry-to-burst-your-bubble-dudes.jpg

The DMV

It is entirely debatable if Disneyland is the best place on Earth, BUT the worst place on earth is most definitely the DMV. I recently had the pleasure of going to the DMV and rediscovered that the acronym actually stands for Degenerate. Minority. Vagrants. The DMV could easily be confused with the zoo, so if you are looking to save money, bring your kids to the DMV for free. I sat next to a lovely person who was getting their license renewed after getting a DUI. The person on the other side of me was 16 and rocking her newborn child back and forth and screaming at who I presumed to be the meth addict father on the other side. I feel sorry for these people, I really do, but the sheer concentration in the DMV is overwhelming. Everyone at the DMV is likely on their way to the welfare office after they stop at the DMV.

The people that work at the DMV take the term work very loosely. I would say their productivity rate is about that of 5lb dog. The only time they actually start calling numbers is when it is getting close to their lunch break or when they are ready to go home. They just sit there and get through about one number an hour. I think they should be paid more, although our state has no money because then perhaps they would feel compelled to be productive. If i worked there I would probably hide in the bathroom or broom closet all day too. People show up to the DMV asking for a drivers license who have no proof of identity or address. 

Next time I lose my ID, I think I'll take my chances

The school of law

It has taken me several weeks to gather my bearings in law school and to begin to make observations regarding the bizarre things that occur. Generally, people in law school are relatively normal. They tend to enjoy normal people things like drinking alcohol and complaining about how hard life is. Some people on the other hand don't have a stick up their ass-they have a spiked pole up their ass. Take for example a girl whom sits behind me in my contracts class. The other day she answered affirmatively to a question about the case at issue and the professor told her, "there is a better and shorter answer to that question, NO." Instead of cowering down in her seat and lowering the chair to become invisible as most normal people should know to do, this chick decides to argue with the professor because it was unfathomable that she could answer incorrectly. What an idiot. In the same class discussion the professor said, "this is a purely rhetorical question,"and the kid from China's hand shot up like a bat out of hell. Now, if he doesn't know what rhetorical means, fine, (then why he is in law school) but presuming that he does WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU RAISE YOUR HAND??? Rhetorical questions are not meant to be answered. In the few instances the professor lets everyone in the class off the hook by asking such a question, you keep your mouth shut tighter than a nun's legs.

Another girl with glitter nails that looked like something your food comes from at taco bell entered class the other day and asked why everyone had a handout. I looked at her, probably disgustedly, and explained that we had a handout because sometimes professors give handouts when the want you to do something, and sometimes in law school there is work to do. I felt very confident at that point knowing that people like her are competing against me.

Generally speaking, law school is like middle school. Everyone has a locker and everyone is constantly comparing themselves to everyone else.

Ways to mitigate the debt crisis in America

Throw the Tea Party members off the side of a boat, it achieved results in the Boston Tea Party, rinse and repeat

Take all the professional sports teams salaries and use them to pay off government debt-they can stay locked out all year and we can continue to write social security checks for one more year (maybe)

Do not pay Congress or the President a salary, they have spent countless months focusing on a manufactured crisis, yet have not manufactured a solution

Censor news media stations that legitimize the bipartisan toils and inane blather, allowing them to continue to refuse compromise, despite the fact that the United States governments essential purpose is compromise

Do not treat the United States budget as a macrocosm of a family budget. It is not the same thing. The whole element of consumer spending and confidence is rather crucial, consumption and spending is done by more than the wealthiest 4 percent of people in the country. It is done by the middle class. Do not piss them off

There is no way for the government to raise enough money to continue to fund the same programs without raising taxes from someone. There just isn't, so somebody's going to have to pay more

Nailed It

Female Drivers

There are some stereotypes that aren't really stereotypes, just truths. One of these is the fact that women are for the most part terrible drivers. Every time you are driving in the left lane, and there is a person who absolutely refuses to move over in the right lane when the are moving at a snails pace........it is a woman 99.9 percent of the time. If its not a woman, its the elderly dude whom you feel somewhat sorry for.

Women are also more distracted drivers. I have found in my very scientific observations that women always text while driving-whereas men do it more sparingly. Not only do women text, but they also eat, put on make up, read and do god knows what else while behind the wheel. I venture to guess that this is because women are more geared toward multitasking than men. At any rate, it makes them bad drivers. My mother is a prime example of this phenomena. I would say that every time we go somewhere in a car she forgets where she is even going and makes a wrong turn. She puts on lip gloss, talks on the phone and fiddles with crap in her purse. She also speeds at the worst possible times, like in school zones, but then insists on going the speed limit on the highway. WTF?  The real kicker is that she says she is scared to drive with me. This would be perfectly understandable because I tend to be a somewhat aggressive driver, but she doesn't even watch the road.

Another factor contributing to women's lack of success with driving is their total ignorance of directions. If you live somewhere for any extended period of time, you should know major highways and streets. Most people who graduated the third grade should also how to orient themselves north, south, east, or west. I found it fascinating that some women I knew struggled with this when there are mountains or an ocean. Those speaking direction gps systems were invented for women.

In summation, women are better at many things that men. Driving is not one of those things

One Liners.....my favorite

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2LC88B/www.buzzfeed.com/donnad/21-scathingly-witty-insults-by-famous-people

Things I Hate

Given the popularity of things I hate videos and things I like videos, I decided to make a list of my own. Naturally I must start with things I hate, because its much more my style.

Things I Hate:
I hate the little twist tie on loaves of bread.....I always lose it and the bread gets stale

I hate when people post statuses on Facebook about what they are actually doing, nobody gives a shit if you went to the gym and met you're boyfriend for lunch- save it for twitter

I hate women drivers....move the hell over to the right lane if your going to go the exact speed limit

I hate parents that think their child is exceptional and special......they are not, teach them to sac up-its a tough world out there

I hate finding an item without a barcode at self check out and the mechanical voice that tells me an attendant has been notified to assist me.....I don't need assistance, thats why I'm doing SELF check out

I hate when girls only wear a sports bra to the gym, and then do a pitiful workout......The rest of us mere mortals get it okay. You're hot

I hate when people name their child Jesus or Angel......Anyone named Jesus will end up in a prison gang and anyone named Angel will end up on 16 and pregnant, not in Mark or Luke

I hate when people listen to music through headphones at a volume that is still audible to other people......you would be cooler if you just carried a boom box on your shoulder circa 1995

I hate when people take up two parking spaces if they have a piece of shit car......do you feel better now?

I hate when people go through airport security wearing a ton of accessories......I DGAF how cute they are, you're still going to have to take the damn things off

I hate Justin Beiber....If he is attractive, then so is Perez Hilton

I hate when people leave a half square of toilet paper on the role and don't put on a new one.....don't worry about the rest of us, we'll use our hands

I hate when people hog the arm rest on the airplane.....statistics would suggest two out of three people are obese and taking up more than their share of surface area on the seat....concede the damn arm rest!

I hate the girl at Starbucks who asks me if I want to make my drink a frappiccino........No, I really don't, and still don't the next day

I hate Hoda and Kathy Lee......they are dumb whores

Miseducation, Commercialized

TV is basically intolerable without a DVR these days because there is a commercial every nine seconds, and the majority of commercials are virtually intolerable, minus the ETrade ones with the talking babies. The most odious of all, however, are the commercials advertising "Get your Degree online!!" with the people singing in tacky caps ands gowns. Every time I see that commercial, I seethe with anger.  No one is that happy or successful that gets an online degree from a for profit institution. DeVry University, College America, or whatever they call those schools these days, should really try to appeal to people by other means than having people acting like they are on LSD. Even people who are unemployed sitting on the couch, watching Judge Judy in the mid morning hours would find such nonsense unappealing. At least the ads for the University of Phoenix and the Bel Rea Institute make the people that go there look half normal, happy, and not like child molesters straight out of the Reading Rainbow.

It is difficult enough for people with degrees from real, accredited universities to get jobs these days, so much as people that get degrees from Rent-a-Degree schools. I wish that they would stop making those people on those commercials look so damn happy. They will not be happy when they get their online degree. They will still be unemployed, watching judge judy, in their pajamas, only with a pile of student debts. 

The only thing that would make these commercials for online educations any better was if they edited that commercial to have some real unemployed person in this terrible job market come out with their ears bleeding, punch that girl in her stupid slippers in the face, and scream "psych!!!"

When I Feel Bad About Myself..........

If there was a love button, I would love it

House Hunting Woes

As I grow older in life, I find more things that I enjoy, and more things that i don't particularly care for. One of the latter is searching for an apartment to rent. It is always exciting to begin a search for a new place because its, new, fresh, hip-or none of those things. Craigslist makes these places appear extremely sexy, but most of the advertising is a crock load of shit. Pictures of places make them look like well finished immaculate palaces, but upon arrival one finds odd smells, textures, loiters and linoleum floors dating back to 1975.

Amongst the many irritations of apartment hunting are are the hidden costs that they don't like to tell you until you show up, then its just awkward. One of the show people today, or whatever their official title is proceeded to say, "ya, you pay for all the utilities, its like um 200 a month, so....do you like it?' I wanted to tell her no, and I don't like you or your fake tan either, but I refrained. Another thing is that all of these places tell you that you cant have dogs, but the house smells mysteriously like PetsMart. My main gripe with all of it is how tiring it is. I feel like I should be paid for searching for an apartment for myself. I prefer being whacked in the knees with tennis balls at my paying job. The best part is filling out the application and paying them to do a background and credit check on you. From my perspective, its up to them to make sure no bankrupt tweaker sex offender ends up in their property. I also wonder if my identity will be stolen when i put my social, bank info, credit card number, address, and vehicle info on a piece of paper for a place i may not even live in. Sketch much?

I suppose the moral of this story is that I should hire a real estate agent, but I don't have any money nor any credit established, so that option is off the table. I will trudge on attempting to find the ever illusive perfect apartment.......

Todays Oxymoron

Semi Bored Kind of Life

As of recently, I have been delinquent in my blog posting largely because my life post graduation has been about as exciting as a week old saltine cracker. While most people are moving on to their new exciting jobs and lives rather immediately, I am stuck in a two month limbo back at home with my parents, working at the job that i have done in the summer for the past four years. I mean, its not a bad job theoretically and I have learned several valuable lessons such as:
1) I will never like anyone else's children
2) I could never work in retail telling people that clothes that look terrible look good
3) Working outdoors in the sun greatly increases the risk of sunburn, and consequently, melanoma

I am grateful nonetheless that my situation is impermanent and I have something to tell people when they ask me what I am doing with my life. It was very tiring telling people my post grad plan over and over again, and I cant imagine how tiring it would be to tell people that you have no plan and plan to wonder aimlessly until you find a "temporary" job that becomes not so temporary.

The plus side of this lack of stimulation is that my productivity has greatly increased, and I have rediscovered how much better the human body functions without massive alcohol consumption on a daily basis. I ironed clothes for the first time in about a year, ive done meaningful physical activity on a daily basis, cooked food by other means than the microwave, and have started flossing again. Listing these I realize that these are things mentally challenged people master first in learning life skills. I am making great strides towards adulthood.

I hope this is me one day

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2H31x6/www.owned.lv/14740/First-year-law-student/

Easter

As I was sitting in Church this morning, humoring my mother on Easter Sunday, I began wondering how the resurrection of Jesus came to be equated with cute bunnies, candy, and eggs. They seem somewhat contradictory. When I returned home from brunch and lapsed into mimosa/food coma, I googled the origins of Easter. Apparently, the bunny stuff comes from some sort of Germanic tradition called Osterhase (the Germans also invented Santa Claus). Thank you Germany. German settlers first brought the tradition to Pennsylvania in the 1500's. Jesus was conveniently crucified right around passover, so Christians that used to be Jews just made themselves a new holiday when they decided to begin the New Testament and stop being Jews. They didnt want to eat matza anymore I guess. The concept of lent seems to derive from Passover- except Catholics can give up whatever they want (not restricted to leavened bread). I think people decided to make the bunny holiday on Easter because the crucifixion thing is so morbid. Bunnies, bonnets, and candy are much better things to celebrate. Its hard to sell a holiday when the only image to put out there is the crucifix. By my estimation, by the year 2200, Passover and Easter will have re-evolved into the same holiday again, complete with an Easter Bunny, some other fictitious creature, and more stuff for consumers to buy.

History

This sums up ancient to recent history pretty well......

I think I would struggle in this scenario.....

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2DlCNd/yayeveryday.com/post/6547

Libraries

I am not particularly aware of the library culture on other college campuses, but on my campus it is very unique. For one, I would estimate that of all of the people in the library, only about 24 percent are actually studying or doing anything productive. I would say over half are on facebook, the rest are either on some other technology (yes probably their cell phone) or just staring blankly into space.

Copley Library is essentially a bar that does not serve food or alcohol, but im sure that has never stopped anyone from bringing the latter in. After all, the library is where everyone hangs out, debriefs, gets stressed out, and goes on crazy aderal and caffeine highs then crashes. Given this library culture, Copley Library took a big step and put up really threatening signs all over the library stating "Copley Library is a Quiet Space." They also established "quiet zones" where it is supposedly supposed to be quiet. Im pretty sure the most telephone conversations go on in this part of the library because the unquiet area is too loud to have phone conversations obviously. For awhile they had a man walking around shhhshing people that resembled Lord Voldermort-I think he got killed by Harry Potter, or just gave up trying to enforce quiet study spaces.

Most people do their homework early so they can come to club copley during dead hours (12-230) and sell sorority tshirts, flirt with the opposite sex, eat their smelly onion sandwich. I am always so thrilled when the clock strikes 220 because then everyone leaves and there is a possibility of finding a table somewhere close to an outlet (this way I dont have to crawl under someones cubicle with my ass stuck up in the air and hit my head to plug my computer in)

I wish i had worn a cuter outfit to sit in the library all day today........

Traveling

I recently returned from a lovely spring break in Maui. It was extremely relaxing and fun-minus the air travel portion. I hate air travel. It is a loathsome form of transportation, yet a necessary evil. Since airlines have decided to begin charging extra for checked bags, everyone brings all of their stupid crap shoved into some awkward bag onto the plane. IT DOES NOT FIT IN THE OVERHEAD BIN. And you would think that people would get by now that the wheels of the suitcase must face outward. The best are the people who know their shit doesn't fit and just walk awkwardly to their seat and pretend it isn't theirs. Hi, I saw you.

Also, flight attendants generally hate their jobs and are only doing it because they can't find another job. I expect other passengers to bump into me in the aisles and lean their chair back into my face, but the flight attendants could stand to not spill fizz from the drink cart and shove their large butts into my shoulder. Im sorry you're job sucks and airlines are in financial peril, but you're still getting paid to be pleasant. On the flight to Maui, I got scolded by the male flight attendant for using the front lavatory because it wasn't in my assigned cabin. Look, if there is not a line at the one closest to me and there are 8 people waiting to use the one in the back-tough titties. Im using the front one. And-I promise playing my IPod during take off and landing will not make the plane crash.

The snacks are another reason that air travel remains unpleasant. You used to get a full meal and the full can of your beverage selection. Now they give out rabbit food and two splashes of liquid. They came around for the beverage service and I was hoping to get a delightful medley of nuts, or perhaps a bag of chips considering this was a six hour flight, but no, I got some disgusting dried cranberry mixture that tasted like someone had sat on it and rubbed their swamp ass all over it. Come on.

Understanding Senioritis

I have found that I am unable to focus on any task that doesnt include physical stimulation in the last several weeks. My activities are limited to eating, sleeping, drinking, snacking, watching tv, napping, playing with puppies and several other activities like watching people's odd behaviors. When it comes time to do something feigning productivity, I die. My attention span dwindles to that of a 6 year old who has yet to be prescribed riddlin. In my classes, I find everything, no matter how ridiculous, is absolutely hilarious. I am sitting in the law library right now and I couldnt help but notice the man behind me was eating a large bag of prunes. I found this hilarious to begin with, but what was even funnier was that he jumped up abruptly and asked me to watch his computer and returned ten minutes later. Guess those prunes really did the trick. He has a coffee now, so im pretty sure he must be on a cleanse or something . Anyway, the best part of the story is that I already met this individual once on a sailing excursion in Mission Bay several months ago, where he almost killed me while steering the boat the wrong way because he had consumed two large bottles of merlot. I should be studying for my two tests coming up this week, but I cannot seem to find the level of anxiety usually required to begin studying seriously, so I will go on procrastinating until i run out of things to do, then I will probably go home and be unproductive per usual.







http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2dfYwe/www.ehdom.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/flowchart2.png

This is awesome

As a follow up to the Karen Carol entry:

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/7ihd4T/www.mindmeister.com/40950677/how-to-win-friends-influence-people

This is Crazy

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/38nwmT/www.freestylemind.com/30-habits-that-will-change-your-life

This is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. Doing these things would detriment my life tremendously. One suggestion is to get 8 hours of sleep, and then its says to get up at 5am. What the hell kind of sense does that make? None. My life would be infinitely worse if I got up at 5am. It also says to not drink alcohol. Alcohol is fun and makes life better. I also do not want to do puzzles. No one under the age of 85 likes puzzles. They are difficult. Then it says to make fast decisions, but to wait before buying things (at least 48 hours). I don't think this is fast.

Just for you Amanda

Try this

Embarrassing Moments

Whenever I am doing some sort of lame ice-breaking embarrassing moments activity I can never think of any, and the ones I usually do think of are insanely inappropriate. The times I recall these embarrassing moments are when my mind is subconsciously trying to entertain itself because whatever activity I am engaged in is dreadfully boring. Today, in my attempt to feign productivity, I tried to complete the rest of my law school applications that are "less important." One of the questions I was trying to answer was something about a moment in life that you are especially proud of. Naturally my mind went the other direction, and I started thinking about moments I was especially embarrassed and unproud of. When I was studying abroad in Barcelona, I had many of these less than graceful moments, but one of my favorite was the very first night I arrived. The family I lived with had a cat named "Chispa" that was the devil incarnate. I was discussing the cat with my senora because my spanish speaking ability at that point was limited to animals, food, and several other mundane subjects. My senora was opening a can of some sort, and the contents of the can looked (and smelled) like something one would find in a Pedigree can, so I inferred that she wanted me to feed the cat. I scooped the contents of the can into the cat food bowl on the ground, and little Chispa came a' running. My Senora turned around, looking perplexed and horrified, and began muttering a string of what I could only decipher as Catalonian explatives. It then dawned on me that I had fed the dinner for that evening to this god forsaken ginger cat. Sorry I'm not sorry. I wouldn't have wanted to eat that anyways. I never helped prepare dinner again.

Super Bowl Weekend

Although it was Superbowl weekend, the Superbowl was not the highlight of the weekend because I could care less who won the Superbowl. The Superbowl halftime show was pretty terrible, and I ate guacamole the entire time, and then left to go get a burrito despite the fact that I wasn't really hungry. Fergie's voice makes me want to eat my feelings/slit my wrists. The Superbowl is like a Christian holiday. It encourages consumerism in the form of alcohol and food. Everyone justifies eating a ton of artery clogging food and drinking copious amounts of beer. It might as well be Thanksgiving. I don't think the general population cares as much about the actual game as they do about the novelty of Superbowl Sunday. The anticipation of drinking all the beer and eating all the food is the most fun part.  Everyone also really looks forward to the commercials, which I have to say this year were about as subpar as the halftime show. The only funny one was the Doritos commercial when the pug crashes through the window.

Happy Superbowl Sunday

First Day of the Last Day of School Ever

I realized that when I woke up today, that this is the first day of the last day of school, which is a mildly horrifying thought. Well, nearly as horrifying as taco bell being closed last night. (They wont let drunk people walk through the drive through) I found it fitting that I started the day off with a hangover because it demonstrated I am fulfilling my goal to leave no stone unturned quite nicely. Waking up on my own couch while my two friends were sleeping in my bed was perfectly normal. Despite the fact that I had plenty of things I should have been doing, I elected to stay on the couch munching on a delicious snack of chips and salsa until my two thirty class. Class did not last very long, all we did was talk about ourselves and our feelings. I am pretty sure my teacher was stoned. She has admitted it before, and it would really not surprise me given the philosophical nature of our syllabus discussion.

I went to the bookstore to buy my books, which is now the Torero Store, and it sucks. I paid 15 dollars for a stupid file folder that will probably break in two weeks and like a gagillion dollars on a bunch of paper back books that probably only have 10 pages actually assigned ever. When I went to collect these books, the computer system had said that I ordered four of each book.  Why would anyone want four? I don't really even want one. Soooooooooooo that was slight awkward an inconvenient. I really didn't want to be charged $3000 dollars for books. For some reason I doubt it was an accident-there would be plenty of people that wouldn't notice, and the mission of USD is not to uphold Catholic values, but to rip people off. They don't even run the stupid fountains all the time, and they only recently instituted free re-fills at La Paloma. Nope. Not an accident.

The only major snafu in my day was when I rear ended an Ethiopian cab driver and the dude was a total drama queen/diva about it. Two moronic idiots darted off the median into the road and while he avoided hitting them, I was not so lucky to avoid hitting his yellow submarine. The guy literally sat in his car and blocked traffic for like ten hours and I don't understand why he felt the need to remain in the middle of the road. Finally, he agreed to move over so the line of 50 cars behind us could pass. As I wrote down my information, he proceeded to look at me oddly, stomp his foot, and blow cigarette smoke in my face. Okay-seriously. I get it. You are super irked, but seriously your cab is ugly and smells like vomit anyway. The guy made out like a bandit-he'll probably pimp out his cab.

Perfectly unmemorable, yet memorable day

so adorable

The Karen Carol

As Dane Cook says, there is always a person that nobody f******* likes in any group of people. Totally funny because it’s true. This person is generally referred to as the Karen or the Brian, but for our purposes, the Karen Carol. Both names are traditional loser/ outsider names. Do not name your child Karen, or Carol if you want them to be popular because it is not possible. The Karen/Carol always is talking out of turn, offering their two cents regardless of whether anyone wants to hear it or not, and pretending the world gives a rats ass. They don't.  The Karen Carol also asks questions in an attempt to sound intelligent or mask the fact that they are actually making a statement intended to toot their own horn. Loudly The Karen Carol often thinks very highly of herself, and never suspects that she is the Karen Carol in the group. Here are a few signs to determine if you are the Karen Carol. If you meet 3 to 5 of these criteria, you definitely are the Karen Carol.

1)   everyone sighs when you open your mouth

2)   people mumble and walk away when you instigate conversation

3)   you are missing enough of the time to give people time to talk about you

4)   no one every wants to accommodate you, even when you vehlmently express your needs

5)   you don’t know who the Karen Carol is

If you passed, and are not the Karen Carol of the group, here are a few steps to handle the Karen Carol and put her in her place:

1)   Sigh louder when the Karen Carol speaks

2)   Purposefully displease the Karen Carol

3)   Smirk often in their presence

4)   Do not give the Karen Carol a position of power

5)   Play tricks on the Karen Carol and laugh

6)   Be honest, and tell the Karen Carol her function in the group dynamic

Match.com?

In the last oh I don't know three weeks I have been out in the real world that I will soon face post college, I have attracted the attention of every creeper in the Denver Metro area. The first encoutner was at the gym, where a man who seemed to be in his mid 50's, (maybe not, but Ill be generous) propositioned me to switch bikes with him. Mind you, the bikes were exactly the same, same tv viewing angle, etc. I moved over despite being in the middle of my workout- since it meant that much to the guy. He then found it appropriate to rub my shoulder and strike up more awkward small talk upon mounting his coveted bike. Needless to say, I didn't stick around for long.

Then there were the painters downtown. A word to the wise, do not go out on Tuesday nights and expect to be surrounded by normal people. The professional painters came to strike up a conversation and proceeded to flash their colorful business card. Impressive? No. I told the errr uhh entrepreneurs? rather curtly that they had misspelled "licensing" on their business card.  Instead of being embarrassed and running away, they proceeded to get my friend hammered with some vegas bomb shot. She threw up the entire cab ride home on my other friends coat in order to not the let the cab driver know we were ravishing his vehicle. Thanks alot.

Then there was the Av's game. My friend and I had not taken two steps into the Pepsi Center when two men again pushing 50 started putting on the moves and following us. We escaped. The pair found us again when we ran away from a meth addict who asked if he could lick the inside of my friend's ear. I think someone upstairs felt bad for us, because we then ran into our guy friends who protected us the rest  of the evening.

I foresee myself resorting to Match in the future.

he is adorable

Gym Etiquette

With all of the virgin gym goers flocking to the gym attempting to jump start 2010 with a hotter bod, I have noticed a severe waning in the number of people practicing proper gym etiquette. Gym etiquette should be seemingly intuitive, but some people could benefit from a manual. To begin, if there is a row of treadmills available, refrain from choosing the machine directly next to someone. For one, its awkward being that close to a perfect stranger if its not necessary, not to mention it screws up the person's pacing on the other machine. . Even if its your favorite machine because it says you burn 5000 calories in a hour, just don't do it. Another thing, I know it is seemingly futile to shower before hitting the gym, but if your stench is already vile before you even break a sweat, chances are by the time you do, its probably considerably worse. It is hard enough to stay on the treadmill that last mile without some putrid b.o. smell wafting all over the place. Personal hygiene please. Finally, it is not necessary to walk around a public locker room flashing your cash and prizes. Congrats, you are secure enough to galavant around naked. Doesn't mean anyone else to see it. Thats why they provide towels. Save it for the nude beach. It is no wonder that by February everyone quits going to the gym. With these simple guidelines maybe we can all make it to bathing suit season.

New Years Resolutions

New Years Resolutions are always so lofty but no one ever has the bandwidth to actually carry them out. Ask the latest contestants on the Biggest Loser. If your new years resolution is to work out everyday and you haven't left the couch or the bag of doritos since 2000, its likely its not going to happen. Last year I decided to institute daily resolutions instead because I find them to be much more useful. Granted my daily resolutions over the holidays have been centered around getting out of bed and putting on different clothes from the ones I have been wearing for 48 hours, I have found success in my small goal setting for the day. Today my resolution was to to go Starbucks and work on law school applications for two hours so my mother would not ask me 600000 questions about what I was doing, what questions I had to answer, and the extent of my progress. This proved markedly more successful than any of my previous year long resolutions, and provided momentary respite from my mother's nagging. Check and check.