First Day of the Last Day of School Ever

I realized that when I woke up today, that this is the first day of the last day of school, which is a mildly horrifying thought. Well, nearly as horrifying as taco bell being closed last night. (They wont let drunk people walk through the drive through) I found it fitting that I started the day off with a hangover because it demonstrated I am fulfilling my goal to leave no stone unturned quite nicely. Waking up on my own couch while my two friends were sleeping in my bed was perfectly normal. Despite the fact that I had plenty of things I should have been doing, I elected to stay on the couch munching on a delicious snack of chips and salsa until my two thirty class. Class did not last very long, all we did was talk about ourselves and our feelings. I am pretty sure my teacher was stoned. She has admitted it before, and it would really not surprise me given the philosophical nature of our syllabus discussion.

I went to the bookstore to buy my books, which is now the Torero Store, and it sucks. I paid 15 dollars for a stupid file folder that will probably break in two weeks and like a gagillion dollars on a bunch of paper back books that probably only have 10 pages actually assigned ever. When I went to collect these books, the computer system had said that I ordered four of each book.  Why would anyone want four? I don't really even want one. Soooooooooooo that was slight awkward an inconvenient. I really didn't want to be charged $3000 dollars for books. For some reason I doubt it was an accident-there would be plenty of people that wouldn't notice, and the mission of USD is not to uphold Catholic values, but to rip people off. They don't even run the stupid fountains all the time, and they only recently instituted free re-fills at La Paloma. Nope. Not an accident.

The only major snafu in my day was when I rear ended an Ethiopian cab driver and the dude was a total drama queen/diva about it. Two moronic idiots darted off the median into the road and while he avoided hitting them, I was not so lucky to avoid hitting his yellow submarine. The guy literally sat in his car and blocked traffic for like ten hours and I don't understand why he felt the need to remain in the middle of the road. Finally, he agreed to move over so the line of 50 cars behind us could pass. As I wrote down my information, he proceeded to look at me oddly, stomp his foot, and blow cigarette smoke in my face. Okay-seriously. I get it. You are super irked, but seriously your cab is ugly and smells like vomit anyway. The guy made out like a bandit-he'll probably pimp out his cab.

Perfectly unmemorable, yet memorable day

so adorable

The Karen Carol

As Dane Cook says, there is always a person that nobody f******* likes in any group of people. Totally funny because it’s true. This person is generally referred to as the Karen or the Brian, but for our purposes, the Karen Carol. Both names are traditional loser/ outsider names. Do not name your child Karen, or Carol if you want them to be popular because it is not possible. The Karen/Carol always is talking out of turn, offering their two cents regardless of whether anyone wants to hear it or not, and pretending the world gives a rats ass. They don't.  The Karen Carol also asks questions in an attempt to sound intelligent or mask the fact that they are actually making a statement intended to toot their own horn. Loudly The Karen Carol often thinks very highly of herself, and never suspects that she is the Karen Carol in the group. Here are a few signs to determine if you are the Karen Carol. If you meet 3 to 5 of these criteria, you definitely are the Karen Carol.

1)   everyone sighs when you open your mouth

2)   people mumble and walk away when you instigate conversation

3)   you are missing enough of the time to give people time to talk about you

4)   no one every wants to accommodate you, even when you vehlmently express your needs

5)   you don’t know who the Karen Carol is

If you passed, and are not the Karen Carol of the group, here are a few steps to handle the Karen Carol and put her in her place:

1)   Sigh louder when the Karen Carol speaks

2)   Purposefully displease the Karen Carol

3)   Smirk often in their presence

4)   Do not give the Karen Carol a position of power

5)   Play tricks on the Karen Carol and laugh

6)   Be honest, and tell the Karen Carol her function in the group dynamic

Match.com?

In the last oh I don't know three weeks I have been out in the real world that I will soon face post college, I have attracted the attention of every creeper in the Denver Metro area. The first encoutner was at the gym, where a man who seemed to be in his mid 50's, (maybe not, but Ill be generous) propositioned me to switch bikes with him. Mind you, the bikes were exactly the same, same tv viewing angle, etc. I moved over despite being in the middle of my workout- since it meant that much to the guy. He then found it appropriate to rub my shoulder and strike up more awkward small talk upon mounting his coveted bike. Needless to say, I didn't stick around for long.

Then there were the painters downtown. A word to the wise, do not go out on Tuesday nights and expect to be surrounded by normal people. The professional painters came to strike up a conversation and proceeded to flash their colorful business card. Impressive? No. I told the errr uhh entrepreneurs? rather curtly that they had misspelled "licensing" on their business card.  Instead of being embarrassed and running away, they proceeded to get my friend hammered with some vegas bomb shot. She threw up the entire cab ride home on my other friends coat in order to not the let the cab driver know we were ravishing his vehicle. Thanks alot.

Then there was the Av's game. My friend and I had not taken two steps into the Pepsi Center when two men again pushing 50 started putting on the moves and following us. We escaped. The pair found us again when we ran away from a meth addict who asked if he could lick the inside of my friend's ear. I think someone upstairs felt bad for us, because we then ran into our guy friends who protected us the rest  of the evening.

I foresee myself resorting to Match in the future.

he is adorable

Gym Etiquette

With all of the virgin gym goers flocking to the gym attempting to jump start 2010 with a hotter bod, I have noticed a severe waning in the number of people practicing proper gym etiquette. Gym etiquette should be seemingly intuitive, but some people could benefit from a manual. To begin, if there is a row of treadmills available, refrain from choosing the machine directly next to someone. For one, its awkward being that close to a perfect stranger if its not necessary, not to mention it screws up the person's pacing on the other machine. . Even if its your favorite machine because it says you burn 5000 calories in a hour, just don't do it. Another thing, I know it is seemingly futile to shower before hitting the gym, but if your stench is already vile before you even break a sweat, chances are by the time you do, its probably considerably worse. It is hard enough to stay on the treadmill that last mile without some putrid b.o. smell wafting all over the place. Personal hygiene please. Finally, it is not necessary to walk around a public locker room flashing your cash and prizes. Congrats, you are secure enough to galavant around naked. Doesn't mean anyone else to see it. Thats why they provide towels. Save it for the nude beach. It is no wonder that by February everyone quits going to the gym. With these simple guidelines maybe we can all make it to bathing suit season.

New Years Resolutions

New Years Resolutions are always so lofty but no one ever has the bandwidth to actually carry them out. Ask the latest contestants on the Biggest Loser. If your new years resolution is to work out everyday and you haven't left the couch or the bag of doritos since 2000, its likely its not going to happen. Last year I decided to institute daily resolutions instead because I find them to be much more useful. Granted my daily resolutions over the holidays have been centered around getting out of bed and putting on different clothes from the ones I have been wearing for 48 hours, I have found success in my small goal setting for the day. Today my resolution was to to go Starbucks and work on law school applications for two hours so my mother would not ask me 600000 questions about what I was doing, what questions I had to answer, and the extent of my progress. This proved markedly more successful than any of my previous year long resolutions, and provided momentary respite from my mother's nagging. Check and check.